Adventures in Ellen's Mailbox....

[ellenmillion]

Today's mail includes some marvelous spam, and an anonymous letter from an artist, who... well, you'll see. Buckle your pants.

Hello Greetings to you and the Company well My Name is Rev.Francis Brown and I will
like to know if you do sell ( park bench )And if you do email me with the types that
you have so that i will let you know the sizes that am interested and quantity that
i want to Purchase thank you

Best regards
Rev.Francis Brown

My hypothetical answer:

Hello! Greetings to you and the Church.

well Thank you for your inquiry regarding ( park bench )s. I am sad to say that our ability to fill your order for ( park bench )s is hampered by the fact that I live in Alaska and the cost to ship ( park bench )s to your Church is very likely to be prohibitive. I am sorry that I am not able to fill your desire to Purchase from me.

Regards,
Mrs.Ellen Million

And this gem came in through the Portrait Adoption contact form:

I'm a hard working artist and face it I am NOT flakey you unimaginative
bunch of non-artist exploitative no hopers. Good luck!!!

I... am a little baffled by this one. Am I being called a non-artist? Am I the bunch? Why does non-artist get a hyphen, but hard-working and no-hopers were left out in the cold? Is this person calling my artists unimaginative (and non-artists??)? And who's got no hope? I'm sure there's an insult in here, but I'd have to diagram too far to find it. I'll take the last part and thank the individual for their wish of good luck at face value - or I would if they weren't so ashamed of their grammar that they left it anonymously and with no return address.

(I am sure they are replying, in part, to this: http://portraitadoption.com/faq.php I am also sure that I know from "flakey", and will stand by my statement that artists can be exactly that. Bully for this guy if they're personally not, but negative points for being a coward and a troll.)

Comments

[icedrake.livejournal.com]

Bully for this guy if he's personally not

Was there something to indicate a gender that you omitted from the above post?

[renatus.livejournal.com]

Random Huffypants there needs to learn the adage, 'If it's not about you, don't make it about you'.

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

Guy is gender-neutral the way I use it, and that 'he' is the only one that snuck in after two paragraphs of careful. Changed.

[moonpaw.livejournal.com]

Wow this made me lol.

[haunted-blood.livejournal.com]

I can do the ( park bench )s if you deliver me the ( cut timber ). Failing that, send him a squirrel. Why? Well, I have ignored squirrels for far too long.

[jenny heidewald (from livejournal.com)]

*LOL* OMG, great way to start off my day. Trolls are funny, I feel sorry for them because the poor things don't have anything better to do with their time. :) Love the (park bench)thing...

[gymnopedie.livejournal.com]

I just got those emails, sort of. Same form of writing, but without the church? lol

he wanted to buy "Traditional" for two thousand dollars.

[pixiewildflower.livejournal.com]

Oh my, you did get some strange mail!

[jasminetoad.livejournal.com]

Aaah~! I got a "Rev. Francis Brown" email a week or so ago! It wasn't specifically a park bench though, just my "products".

[metasilk.livejournal.com]

That's a great adage! Hadn't heard it so pithily before. Thanks!