Weight, self-image and art

[ellenmillion]

I've never felt qualified to speak about body-shape and image, and the whole 'media is unrealistic' thing... I've been underweight my entire life, and always feel vaguely guilty saying anything expressing dissatisfaction with it.

But, 10 years and 25 pounds later, I have finally hit my pre-established 'ideal weight.' I weigh 140, am 5'8 and I look healthy. I have enough padding on my butt that my legs don't fall asleep when I sit in a hard chair, I don't get weak and bitchy if I go three hours between meals, and I can almost wear standard sizes. My hipbones and elbows are no longer classified as concealed weapons. Finally, my yearly exams don't come with the leading questions about throwing up to be thin.

I'm somewhat ecstatic about this, but I'm also a little unnerved.

Medically, I'm ideal.

Fashionably, not so.

I sit without perfect posture and lo! There is a little roll of flab at my belly. If I suck my head in just the right way I can almost make a double chin. If I poke my thigh, it wibbles! Wibbles!

(Since I don't need to gain another 25 pounds, I've already discontinued my bacon and ice cream diet, and I have 2 cookies instead of 12 if I want sweets. I'm also working out twice a week, but I do that more because I really like how it feels. (I MISS running.) )

I like where I am. I feel hot, and Jake thinks I'm hotter than I've ever been. I'm trying to resolve in my head the pressure to make the belly flab go away, to go back to non-wibbly thighs, with my sheer delight in the fact that I no longer have to carry food with me or risk passing out or coming unglued on some poor bystander. I love how healthy I feel and how much energy I have.

It's a weird dichotomy.

It also makes me think about all the perfect, waif-like figures we see in fantasy art.

Fairies with these fit little flat stomachs and waists that leave no room for internal organs. Tall, shapely elves with Big Boobs and long limbs, who still manage to be perfectly curvy, with no sharp hipbones or bony-looking elbows.

I'm so entirely as guilty of this as anyone else.

So last night, all of this swirling around in my head, I started a new piece of artwork:







I'm not even sure she really qualifies as meaty... but she's definitely plumper than any body types I'm accustomed to drawing. It struck me as natural that a sea creature would have a little padding - look at a lot of sea creatures: seals, walrus, whales... not a hipbone in sight! I still want her to look beautiful, if not our super model style of beautiful, and happy with herself.

It's kind of a tricky thing, being happy with yourself...

Comments

[dulcinbradbury.livejournal.com]

I love your mermaid! I'd love to see her finished up.

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

That's one of the cutest things I've ever seen you draw. :)

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

Makes sense to me (the mermaid thing). :)

[croaky.livejournal.com]

Oh I like this :D

[minor-architect.livejournal.com]

When compared with other sea-swimmers, I could see how a mermaid might be packing a little more than your usual impossibly-tiny fantasy creature. ;)

And, uh...if yours was slightly longer-limbed and slightly longer in the torso, she'd be my weight and shape! For serious. O_o

[puffbird.livejournal.com]

Whenever I start feeling bad about my flabby rolls (I'm not really that overweight; I just have pregnancy buildup) I think of Peter Paul Reubens and the way he painted ideal beauty (Warning: there's a bum!). No hipbones there!

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

LOVE HER!!! Call her voluptuous!!

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I have to admit, pregnancy build-up is annoying though. :P

[puffbird.livejournal.com]

It is. D: The most annoying thing about it is that some people (one of my sisters-in-law, for example) seem to be able get rid of theirs quickly, and some people (me!) can't!

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

The weirdest thing about it is how localized it is. I have a roll of padding around my hips now... but you can see my ribs through my skin! o_O

I normally gain weight all over my body, not in a single place. Bizarre. :)

[chamois-shimi.livejournal.com]

She's really pretty! I love her. ;)

[ursulav.livejournal.com]

I dig it!

[aurianfae.livejournal.com]

That's awesome. She looks happy... she also looks a bit like a belly dancer, who are some of the strongest women out there. They just have internally strong muscles instead of the externally strong ones.

[kiri-moth.livejournal.com]

Love her!

I'm sure that naturally thin women get as much flak as heavier girls - being accused of throwing up? Probably feels as horrible as being accused of eating tubs of ice cream for every meal.

None of us fit the ideal, because the ideal is an airbrushed Photoshopped fiction! ;)

And not to spoil the party, but if some current studies are right...you'll probably lose the weight you intentionally gained. Supposedly your body has a set range, and it takes constant struggle to force it out of the range it wants to be in, whether you're trying to gain or lose.

I'm still working on being happier with myself. I exercise a lot and enjoy it(I'm one of those people who get the 'high' from it) but it doesn't make me lose weight so it's discouraging to have nothing to show for the effort.

[xjenavivex.livejournal.com]

She is beautiful.

[pixiewildflower.livejournal.com]

That is lovely dear!

[kalquessa.livejournal.com]

The body image issues, they are truly pernicious, aren't they? I did the same thing as you describe, going from underweight (and all the delightful assumptions that get made about you when you're really thin) to being, in my own words, deliciously curved. And yeah, it can be hard to train your brain to accept that the little belly roll is normal and, in fact, a good thing. Going to bellydance class helped me a lot because it's a dance form that undeniably sexy but is pretty much engineered around a full female figure. Plus, when you do floor stretches, you get to see everyone else's belly rolls. It's sort of nice to know that everyone in the room has one, you know?

Love the mermaid! *hugs her* Truly, you do not see too many shinny whales and seals out there. *grin*

[deannadavoli.livejournal.com]

she is spot on beautiful! i love her....she totally has a pin-up mermaid sex appeal! I have been making my last few paintings with women that have breasts & curvy hips & not waif-like. my new painting (which is drying as I type) also has a lady with more curves. the more we create art like this, the more we encourage healthy body images for our viewers. cheers to you

[renatus.livejournal.com]

I know skinny women don't miss out on their share of crap. I have a cousin my age who has also been underweight all her life, and has faced frequent nasty accusations about being a junkie or having an eating disorder--usually from co-workers. She also has our familial tendency toward depression which only makes eating the amounts she'd need to gain weight even harder.

Your drawing--noooot meaty, no. Bodywise and minus the tits, I look a lot like that when I'm close to slender! *L* It's a very real figure she's got, though. I like--especially that she has nice solid arms. I'm so tired of women always having spindly stick arms in contemporary art.

If you want meaty, you need to go quite a bit further. Think of more exaggerated curves and more rounded shapes. Use circles to build the body and keep the lines around them sweeping and curving. If you don't necessarily want fatter, look at pictures of people built like me--big, solid bone structures, a thick padding of fat, yes, but a tendency toward building muscle also. Everything is still curves, curves, curves and sweeping lines, but this time very focused on giving a feeling of mass and weight.

[renatus.livejournal.com]

And, gods, sorry for the sudden burst of blather--but never feel sheepish about speaking out about unrealistic and objectifying portrayals of women, underweight OR normal weight. We're all in this together and we pretty much all get crap, because there's absolutely no way to win no matter how we're built.

Like, my cousin? Is also 6' even and model pretty. So she gets even more crap, because it's like people assume that being thin and pretty equals a free ride. Except that she's had horrible self-esteem issues, worse even than mine, that led her through over a decade of abusive relationships, through her fragile teenaged years and well into her 20s--partly stemming from her being tall, thin, and pretty, and being objectified because of it.

Being 'ideal' didn't do her one damn bit of good.

So please never feel ashamed of speaking out. Any sort of pressure and objectifying you feel or have felt is just as real as anyone else's, and it only helps us all to have another voice.

[pers1stence.livejournal.com]

A little extra is good for the bellydancing too.... :) Makes the shimmies look better!

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

She's gorgeous!

I especially love this because I once wrote a story about mermaids where I decided that they had a thin layer of blubber that made them look at least a bit plump. It just made sense to me. I'm glad someone else agrees!

It is tricky--especially considering that I am looking mostly for a healthy body. It's hard to define those for some reason ...

[metasilk.livejournal.com]

I LOVE this. She's got my proportions when I'm at a healthy weight. Yay!

[hermitgeecko.livejournal.com]

I like your mermaid, too! Very cool picture.

[(Anonymous)]

It really is tricky, and takes some years to do so, if ever. I think it depends on feeling happy and secure in life as well.

It is funny, when I was younger and skinnier (125 as opposed to 135ish on a 5'5" frame) I felt worse about my body, always thought my thighs were too fat. Nowdays I have biker girl legs, lots of muscle, makes it hard to fit into certain pants, but I am content At one point my thighs were skinny for me, and that actually bothered me! What also helps is having a husband who thinks I am hot, and likes to remind me how hot he thinks I am. I actually bought myself a skimpy bikini last year, and wore it in public!!! :D

--jenny--

[datalore.livejournal.com]

Very nice! I look forward to seeing the finished piece!

I am so glad that you realize that being perfectly toned is something that isn't reasonable to expect from everyone. A bit of jiggle is perfectly normal. :)