Brief Thursdaily

[ellenmillion]

Got some very nice comments on the last issue of EMG-Zine that totally made my day. :)

Coding away at a long-patient project that I have many great ideas for right now.

And working on a promotion blurb for Torn World. Would this make you want to read??

With winter fast approaching, the snow-unicorn riders of Itadesh return from their summer gathering to find that their home has burned to the ground. They've lost their shelter, members of their families, and valuable supplies. The journey to their kin will take hard weeks of travel, and a harsh winter of shortage and grief is all that seems to wait for them. Will Jrilii's headlong chase of mythical wild snow-unicorns bring them much needed hope, or only disappointment?

Close by, but completely unaware of their existence, explorers from the great southern Empire have suffered tragedy of their own, and are ill-prepared for the winter they are about to face. They struggle to get to the coast by spring, but one of their company is ill, and supplies are stretched thin. What will the inevitable collision with the northerners bring?

Far to the south, an ambitious new construction project, the City of Lights, is being plagued by mysterious disasters and unexplained destruction. Superstitious rumors about angry ghosts and sky demons are beginning to circulate, and scientists struggle to find rational explanations for the events.

In Affamarg, Dini copes with the personal changes he's - she's - making in the name of love, and things heat up as the leader of an underground blackmail ring begins to execute plans to entrap the untouchable regional License Master, with the help of a high-status prostitute. A cablecar operator receives an offer he can't refuse, and a relationship is tested.

Love, betrayal, loss, and intrigue blossom as disparate plots begin to weave together into the fabric that is Torn World. Also, look for more stories from our characters childhood, more world mythology and more resources on history, culture and the technology of the Empire.

(Got within 9 of my wordlimit!)

Comments

[kelkyag]

Didi there should be Lalya.

"characters childhood" I think should be "characters' childhoods".

Add a comma after "mythology".

Help me figure out how to turn off proofreading mode. :)

The first paragraph gives me the impression of a much more fantasy universe than Torn World actually is. I'm not sure if people who might be interested in it as soft science fiction would make it past that paragraph. (I would, but I like fantasy.) Also, this says nothing about time tech, which is a major feature of the world (at least, not directly).

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

Doh! Yes, Lalya. And a stupid apostrophe and an oxford comma.

Proofreading mode is very useful here! *hides the remote*

For context, this is specifically supposed to be a look at upcoming storyarcs, not a world overview. And I couldn't figure how to fit the time quirks into 9 more words. :P

Maybe an initial opening to cover that a little: A time-altered science fantasy, Torn World has a lot in store for the next few months!

But then I have to trim a few words out of the rest... Hmm.

[ankewehner.livejournal.com]

I second mathhobbit... "unicorn riders" makes me think "cutesy".

If you're looking for other places to cut words, I'd suggest dropping two or three adjectives from the paragraph starting "Far to the south".

I also have a knee-jerk eyerolling reaction at the start of the last paragraph. "Love, betrayal..." is such a stock phrase, there must be thousands of stories using it in their blurbs, or even titles. It gives me a strong cookie-cutter vibe.
Also, "loss blossoms" sounds rather weird (possibly because betrayal and intrigue and love are things people do or build, whereas loss is a passive experience).

Uhhh, yeah.
The hints at the upcoming plots do make Torn World sound more interesting than the impression I'd gotten so far, though.

[valdary.livejournal.com]

Maybe if you say "the semi-nomadic Northerners of Itadesh" it would work better.

[ankewehner.livejournal.com]

That'd go against the idea of shortening the text to get room to include a line about the entire world, though. :D

[mathhobbit.livejournal.com]

This ad would be more attractive to me if you swapped "snow-unicorn riders" for something like "nomads". Years of reading fantasy written for teenaged girls has given me a jaundiced view of unicorn riders.