There are two of me...

[ellenmillion]

Sometimes I feel divided.

Not in the 'I can't decide what to have for dinner' sort of way, more in the, 'am I EMG or Ellen' sort of way. It is starting to gnaw at me a little.

I know that everytime I post something publicly, I am representing both of us. I link to EMG, not to my personal site, because... well, I'm not sure how come. It's the bigger of us two, I suppose, the more encompassing. It's more impressive than I am. (Also, my site is in serious need of an upgrade, and I need to do that asap, along with the seventeen other things with this Feb 1 deadline galloping headlong at me)

I write posts at forums as Ellen, and as EMG, and I wonder if I can be both, or if I am one at a time, and whether or not I *sound* as if I am one when I mean to be the other, and I worry that no one will see past the EMG to Ellen. And that people will take the Ellen from my posts and apply that incorrectly to EMG. I do worry a lot, I admit. Take your pick, I have a basket full of worries. I have a much larger basket of happiness, but it is the worries that make me sit here and write.

I hesitate to write sometimes, in forums in particular, where I have something I want to say, as Ellen, but I stop and think, if I say this as EMG (or they think I am), will that reflect poorly on the others who have trusted me to represent them. Sometimes the hesitation is enough that the momentum of the reply is lost, and I say nothing instead. Sometimes I fear that is a loss. Sometimes I am grateful for my hesitation.

I have written many things I regret. Foolish things that I would take back if I knew how. Judgemental things. Harsh and reactionary things. These things are documented on lists and comments and across the web, and they poke at me with pins and needles of guilt and shame. But I think of the things I might have said, and I regret not saying them as much. I could have cheered someone up. Or given someone advice that I wish someone had given me. Or calmed down a flamewar.

Every comment is hard. Every forum post is an effort. It's this endless game between Ellen and EMG. Post that compliment, Ellen says. You sound like you're sucking up, EMG says. Give that advice, EMG says, it's good exposure. You sound like a know-it-all, Ellen says back, and you're a shamless capitalist! Post your art for advice, Ellen says, and do a little promotion of your *own* work. You're not promoting the artists you owe! EMG wails back. And your own art is the least of what you carry!

It goes on until the two of us are muttering 'no, you shut up' to each other and I post nothing and go back to doing something productive.

Comments

[jaenanda.livejournal.com]

Hey, the "E" in "EMG" still stands for "Ellen".

[ht.livejournal.com]

Remember back a couple of years ago, when I asked "How do you separate who you are from what you do?"... well, you pretty much gave the same answer, in that you didn't know. Though I don't think you have to worry about watching what you post in comments or forums. If people can't figure out for themselves how to differentiate you as Ellen from EMG the Business, that's their problem. There's only so much you can do in terms of tact and watching what you say. Like the saying goes... "Those matter don't mind, and those who mind, don't matter."

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* Ellen. You're both. As long as you can differentiate between the two that's all that matters. You are an artist too, so I see nothing wrong with promoting your own art. Everyone else does it, why shouldn't you? Those that know you should be able to differentiate between the two also. Your artist friends that you represent will understand the difference. We all love you, sweets!!!! *MORE HUGS*

^_^ Dawn

[wiccatcat.livejournal.com]

I can understand perfectly how you feel. I'm new to LJ & part of the reason I joined was that when I read some of the posts, I was moved to offer advice, or an opinion. Now that I'm here, I find that I'm often afraid to say anything, mainly out of fear of offending someone, possibly hurting feelings (unintentionally), or that my advice may not be quite right for that person. The thing is, though, that the person doesn't necessarily HAVE to put that advice to use. It can be there to offer them a different way of looking at things - an expansion on the given situation (opening the mind a little more). I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I've wished I had that sort of input from others who are't so close to the matters at hand. Emotional involvement clouds the advice given by those close to you. I have always taken in what others tell me, & use it to sort through along with my own thoughts & feelings & then come to the conclusion that feels right for me. Then, I have no one to blame if it turns out wrong. But, I made a more educated decision.
Yes, you are both EMG & Ellen & together that makes you a much stronger entity, because EMG couldn't be if it were not for YOU, so it will definitely have much of your personal influence. And that is what makes it what it is. All I can say is to voice what you feel, using more tact than usual at the appropriate times (you'll know when). It seems that everyone here likes you & I believe they will take whatever you have to offer in stride. Good luck!

[uneide.livejournal.com]

Well, you are both, after all. Mind... I think that honestly you can't do one without the other. I can't imagine that EMG and Ellen have such different views as to seriously affect people's views of either. :) As for your art, you -should- pimp it more. I love Ellen art and your incredible amount of dots. *L* of course, I also love hearing about EMG's ups and downs, promotions, PA (which I'm signing up for soon... *bounce*) but this should also be a space for -you- and there's much more to you that EMG.

... there was coherency in there somewhere, I swear.

Fusion

[chuck-gregory.livejournal.com]

Each of us has many parts, many personalities...

  We are each in turn part of a larger whole (that may be part of something else, in an infinite sequence of larger constructs or beings)



The parts are unique as are the composites,

  yet there are countless interchangeable parts

    forming endless universes



This is the way the world is made

We are each of us little pieces

  some good, some bad,

Always changing, never changing

  temporary but eternal



==================================================

Sometimes it's better to embrace each part of yourself.  It doesn't always pay to over-analyze which part is expressing itself at any given time--that might lead to schizophrenia!