Doing too much...

[ellenmillion]

I'm doing too much.



I'm working 7 days a week again, I haven't drawn anything in weeks now. My own projects are gathering dust, my NaNo count is 250. I'm finding it difficult to concentrate in the face of my stress. I scramble orders out at the last minutes, and feel guilty for it. I'm barely a face in my own projects, and they just don't move forward without me the way I always think they ought to.

Something is going to have to give, and soon.

It used to be that shutting down my business was unthinkable. It was a terrifying thought, or simply not an option.

Now... I dunno. It's not so unthinkable?

I've been doing this for fourteen years, non-stop, while I got a degree and pursued a career and built a house and got married and sometimes I feel like I've kept it going only because I can't imagine going on without it. It's not like these artists can't and/or don't make it on their own, with some willpower - I certainly don't pay them living wages. I don't pay me living wages - I don't pay me anything! I pour my energy and attention into it... and for what? It's got its high points, and its rewards, but at what price? If I'd kept working at Design Alaska, we probably would have paid off the house by now. It's somewhat soothing to go work for someone else, to leave every worry about my tasks at the office, and get a fat paycheck every month for something that doesn't require a fraction as much brain or heart.

I'm not planning an instantaneous shut-down of the whole thing, no worries. I'm just surprised to find that the idea of doing it at all... isn't impossible. Surprised enough to blog a little.

I like the idea of putting more effort into my own art for a while. I like the idea of not facing every single day with an inbox full of business to tackle. I like the idea of looking at my studio as a fun place to go and be crafty, not a drudgery of tasks that seem to pile up faster than I can accomplish them. I like the idea of not being the responsible one for a little while... not having to look at empty forums and think 'that's your fault,' or sigh over the fact that we haven't had more than one feature at EMG-Zine all year, despite relaxing the rules to allow reprints, or feel wretched for the email that's been lost in the inbox for six weeks asking enthusiastically about being an artist (but not reading the FAQ).

Don't read more into this than is here - it's just an option that never was an option before, and I've thought about enough over the last several weeks to try to put my thoughts down in order a little.

Back to work, now. DEC submittal to work on, wee!

Comments

[heykatie.livejournal.com]

I wish there was something I could do to help. It must be so frustrating for you to do it all on your own, stifling your own creativity in the process.

I hope that you will find time for yourself soon. In the meanwhile, I'm sending out as much positive energy as I can for you!

[mizkit.livejournal.com]

It used to be that shutting down my business was unthinkable. It was a terrifying thought, or simply not an option.

Now... I dunno. It's not so unthinkable?

I suspect there's a degree of "I've proven I can do this, by God," which may help to take away some of the onus of "OMG I MUST CONTINUE DOING THIS OR I WILL LOOK LIKE A FAILURE!" I have a lot of sympathy for that. *hugs lots*! See you Sunday!

[starrydance.livejournal.com]

I defintely get 14 years in, but I tried for a year to be as serious as I could with art - and made a very, very low monthly average with constant angst and stress from art.

So, while initially I felt like I had failed when I looked into part time jobs - I got a part time job at a book store and Im so happy! A paycheck every week thats worth about a month worth of art profit - with no stress or worry or art block.

Now, of course Im working on it part time so eventually I can do both ^-^.

Ive always enjoyed your websites and your information and business <3, but dont be afraid of change.

I truly believe its about happy. I was happy till I realized how hard I was REALLY working for almost pennies. Now Im happy part timing for easy, fun dollars and will art for pennies!

If you are happy, than yay! If you arent ... well.

[amanda-now.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how you feel. I make almost no money at all after expenses and labor versus how much I get for my art. I am thinking of closing shop as well, because as you said its easier to work for someone else. I haven't been doing this for as long as you, only about since 2003, and I haven't really gotten anywhere with it because for it to be successful it has to get your full attention. And even then, the feast or famine thing is no fun.

It got to the point where I wasn't even having fun anymore when I made those ACEOs week after week. I don't plan on going back to it, but then again, I am in the same boat as you- I can't imagine not doing it sometimes. I'd feel like a failure. But thats not the case, and I know it.

In the end, you should do whatever your heart feels is best. Its corny but true.

[thrivis.livejournal.com]

Hi there~

I just read this journal entry and your newest one. :( I'm sorry you're so overworked! I wish there was something I could do, but even if there was, I don't have the time to do extra things seeing as I'm in my last year of college. (Next semester will be a grand old time.. 18 units. OW.)

For what it's worth I've been feeling a little the same way about college. A long time ago, I couldn't dream of dropping out of college. Now I've discovered I'll probably need to get a master's degree if I expect to actually be able to use what I'm studying. I don't know what life is like WITHOUT school, and I probably will not have the money to go back for my master's for a longtime. I've been wondering, what's the point, for the first time during this semester... But ultimately I know I'll be a better artist and person because I stuck with it, even if I'm making no more or less money or end up working at Walmart. I know it's not the same but... I don't know, I just feel like I can commiserate. :|

Is the empty forum you mean the Fantastic Portfolios one? I was about to say I've been having weird login issues, but all of the sudden when I checked just now, I can log in fine. O_o Weird.

[jenelycam.livejournal.com]

Poor Ellen. You really do have so very much on your plate. I think we'd all understand if you cut back some on EMG. It's your biz and your sanity. And if I can't art for me, I get cranky. I don't know how you do it.

*HUGS TIGHT*