Mondaily with apology

[ellenmillion]

I owe you.

Whether you are one 'my' artists and fellow-collaborators, or 'just' a reader of my blog, one of my customers, or one of my subscribers, a friend, or some beautiful combination of those, I owe you a big fat apology.

My head? Is not in the game right now. I'm not sure how long I've been going through the motions without passion, but it's probably pretty obvious once you're outside my scalp and skull.

Every day, I stare at my projects, cringe at my studio, and I consider closing down my webpages en mass.

I do not, after thought, because of guilt. Because I feel like I owe it to the people who have gotten involved over the years, to keep these projects steaming forward with smiling optimism, capital investment, and unwavering loyalty, even though I have become cynical about involvement, bitter about my work-to-reward ratio and my well of selfless devotion to the cause has run dry and has been sucking at the bottom like a straw in an empty cup.

If that's not a recipe for self-destructive, dead-end burnout, then I don't know what is. The only way I could make this worse is to hide in a corner and let the projects accordion into a trainwreck of delays and flustered disorganization.

Oh... wait.

I do not, after a great deal of soul searching, owe anyone my sanity.

I do owe you transparency, honesty, communication, and prompt service when I've agreed to it, and, this last week in particular, I have failed at that. I am sorry, and am endeavoring to catch up today. I have, in fact, already made some good inroads this morning and am not stopping yet...

I also owe it to myself to stop being a blithering idiot and cut out the things in my life that cause me nothing but grief and stress and guilt. I owe it to myself to do things that I need to do. I owe it to my husband not to throw money and time at a dying project that doesn't even bring me mental reward any longer while he supports and encourages me by working fulltime.

This week, one at a time, I will be going through my outstanding projects and figuring out where they stand, how much work they will take to get up to steam, and making a plan of attack. That plan of attack may include massive trimming of features, major re-design of function, re-allocation of work, or a quick, painless death in a dark room.

I welcome your input and ideas, as I go through this process. Audience enthusiasm is an excellent fuel, and honestly, the lack of this has been a serious dent in my own energy. I am totally willing to shoulder my own fault in that - I have not always nurtured what enthusiasm I have received as well as I needed to so as to sustain it. But I'm also not going to struggle forward to build tools and offer services that no one wants to actually use. Duh.

Tomorrow, in the spotlight, will be EMG-Zine. (As a reminder, we need submissions for our January issue. The theme is creation: http://emg-zine.com/guidelines.php This can be birth, artistic creation, building something... lots of wiggle room in this theme!)

...

Perhaps surprising, I do not feel the slightest bit of guilt for my writing this month, and continue to chisel away at my wordcount. This novel has been tremendously good for me, wherever I take it from here. It has been mine, for me, at every stage, and has served as an anchor of discipline in a period of stress and upheaval. Getting my words down has been cathartic, and kept me on track, and given me something to feel good about accomplishing, where most everything else has been stacked and layered with guilt for not doing more or better. It's my first novel, and I'm allowed - nay, encouraged! - to suck... and that's tremendously freeing. What's more, I have a nagging feeling that there's a good novel in here, and that I might actually discover it.

38724 / 50000 words. 77% done!

Comments

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

Woo, first novel! That is indeed a huge accomplishment.

I have yet to write a novel myself, though I have a short story or two out there. (Painted Memories, in 'Best in Show')

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

Writing a novel is distinctly... different than writing short stories, so far. But still fun!

[redokapi.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're wrestling with many of the same issues as me...only on a much bigger scale. In all honestly, you should probably cut those projects that aren't really doing anything for you anymore. Everything has to end eventually, and trying to keep something alive past it's time is immensely frustrating and takes resources that could go other places. The mental reward can be pretty important, especially if you're not getting much external reward, so put your energy there.

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

Yup! Time to sort the projects by mental reward and toss the ones that aren't doing it for me anymore...

[uneide.livejournal.com]

Ellen -
You owe yourself to preserve your own piece of sanity and mind. I personally feel that you owe me anything; you've gone above and beyond CONSISTENTLY and for years for every artist you have represented, for a shared dream, for any number of projects and ideas.

When it begins to affect your personal life and peace of mind its time to do what you are doing -- choose what is worth keeping and what should be let go.

And now I get off the soapbox, I promise. ;) Go after the things you need, the things that make you happy and fulfilled, not frustrated and stressed.

<3 <3

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

*loves!*

The stupid thing is that I start feeling guilt and resenting people that don't even expect these sacrifices of me, and it all spirals into further stupidity. *shakes self.*

Happiness and fulfillment coming up!

[jemstone.livejournal.com]

This novel has been tremendously good for me, wherever I take it from here. It has been mine, for me, at every stage, and has served as an anchor of discipline in a period of stress and upheaval.

I'm not sure you realize exactly how nice it is to see you say that.

But it is quite nice.

<3

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

It is a tremendously tremendous thing, and I think it is quite nice, too. :)

[jenny heidewald (from livejournal.com)]

(((HUGS))) Be easy on yourself for this week, you had a really tough last week, give yourself time to recover. But it is good that you are talking about all this, it is hard to bear things alone. If it is any consolation, you have a ton of great ideas, and the fact that you are willing to go out after them is commendable. I have always admired how brave you are!

I wish I had a bit more of that oomph. Most of the time I am so cautious that I don't know if I am really living life. I feel I should maybe do more, but then I have to get out of my comfort zone where I am safe. I tend to live by the motto, "Better safe than sorry." Being safe really cuts back on the experiences one can have, good along with bad.
-----
Ohhh, I need to work on some Arabic Dreams coloring book pages... *looks guilty* How many do we have so far?
-----
EMG-Zine: I kind of want to mash two ideas together for Creation. A little bit of mythology, a little bit of creating different animals, and maybe a bit of composition. I don't recall if anyone touched on composition yet. I wish I had started writing these articles years earlier. I am learning so much stuff, even if I do tend to procrastinate and then freak out the night of the deadline! My editor husband wants me to learn how/when to use semicolons.
---
NaNo WriMo: Fabulous word count, Ellen! You are almost there, I'm glad that you are able to really go for it this year. :) I tried reading a bit of my story of the past three years Sunday and I really need a red pen...

A funny thing happened with the last two books I have read. These were by Andre Norton and Sasha Miller , The Cycle of Oak, Yew, Ash and Rowan (trilogy, though I started with the second book not knowing that, it didn't say on the cover!). I found myself getting annoyed with the writing and the characters. This was strange because normally I LOVE anything Andre Norton does. After a few more chapters I realised that the real reason why I was kind of annoyed with the books was that that is how I think MY writing sounds! Everything felt like it tied up too neatly, the characters were kind of super polite at times and it felt, I dunno, just "off". In spite of that, I was happy to discover that I did have the final book in the trilogy.

Oops, sorry for the mini novel!

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

((HUGS)) I am taking it easy, and getting my feet generally back under me, and next year will be AWESOME. Yeah. :)

[ryokomusouka.livejournal.com]

As I'm not inside your head with you (thank gods for that - you'd never get ANYTHING done and wouldn't be half as amazing!) I will refrain from spouting input on what needs dumping, etc. However, I'm SO GLAD you're taking this step to ease your burden and make your own life more joyful.

RAH RAH RAH!

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

Lol! The inside of my head would be a weird place to be... you might be surprised. :P

RAH!

[kelkyag]

Yes and yes and yes, and uneide says it very well. If your personal projects are not even engaging your interest, something's very wrong. Suffering for them out of an ill-defined sense of obligation won't help!

<bounces for the next novel update>

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

And yes.

It's a very foolish sense of obligation that needs to be beaten back to an appropriate size and direction. Post-haste!

[amanda-now.livejournal.com]

As someone who is an outside observer and an artist that went through somewhat similar decisions and failures, I say screw it. Cut the stuff out of your life if it's sucking the will to live out of you. It's like a tumor. There's no reason to hang on to it. Keep only what gives back to you, let the other stuff go. Give it away if you want, give it to someone who will care about it like you did, and then forget about it. Remove emotional attachment and pride and examine it from a logical angle - is this a worthwhile invest of time, energy, and money? You could be spending your time, energy, and money on things that make you happy. Our lives are short so I try to invest wisely.

I have a very blunt opinion about it but it's taken several years of soul searching to come to this conclusion, and I've still not put it into practice all the way. It's easier said than done but the day I said "you know what? I'm done with this shit," I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I swear the sky was bluer and the birds were singing. I'm happier and more at peace as a result. I wish I had done it sooner.

Only you know what's right for you, but I wanted to share my experience anyway.

edit: whoops, totally wrong icon.

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

Giving it away is an option I had not even really considered, but it's a very interesting possibility. And logic is needed seriously in this reflection.

Thank you!

[xjenavivex.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you just have to let things go. Don't drown in obligation.

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

It's true! Time to put the obligation back in perspective.

[pixiewildflower.livejournal.com]

Burn-out can be no fun...do what feels right to you.

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon!

[ankewehner.livejournal.com]

Re-Evaluating is a good thing. :)

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

And necessary!

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Save your sanity! That's definitely the most important thing!

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

*marches around with save the sanity picket signs outside my brain*

[dreamforest.livejournal.com]

No need for an apology here. This is the internet, you've kept a lot of these projects going even after the world wide web changed. Some things just have life spans.

As for the novel helping, I totally understand. My first novel was subtitled "The Great Agere-ian Novel", which is because I wrote at work as the company Agere was going down the tubes and we were just filling time till the next round of lay offs. I never finished due to getting a new job, but things in life come around and due to some medical issues, I actually picked it up again and am working on it. (Story has drastically evolved, but so have I.) Torturing poor innocent characters is good for the soul.

[ellenmillion.livejournal.com]

*laughs!* Horrah for having creative outlets!