Why Am I Here?

[ellenmillion]

I am not sure I like the role that LJ plays in my life. I am rather fascinated by it, enthralled like a child with a shiny entertaining toy. But I am more concerned with what people are going to say to my posts, and what I should say of other people's posts than I am with recording my thoughts and feelings.



I don't like that. I have never liked it about myself that I care what other people think enough to dictate my actions.

I don't like that I feel as though I have been distilled through a dozen filters before I am spread out in some alien form on your screens.

I like the idea of being able to see and share thoughts and observations. I love seeing tidbits of art and stories. I am not (as you may guess) fond of quiz results that are the same for 9/10ths of my friends. I like reading some of the surveys out there. I enjoy thought-provoking discussions. I like seeing a look at what life in other places of the world is like.

I think I expected LJ to be something that it isn't. I began my own journal with long rambling entries about recent events in my life. That's what I thought it would be for me; literally an on-line journal.

It isn't.

It is a method of communication, as a journal is not and was never meant to be.

I crave... response. It is similar to the Elfwood comment-craving syndrome. I even write things solely to get response, and I don't like that at /all/. I am more concerned with what /you/ think than with what /I/ think.

'Do I post too much?' Jessi asked once, and I replied at once, 'of course not, it is your journal, and you should post for yourself.'

I don't post for myself anymore. I'm not even sure I read for myself.

I am at a junction then. Write again for and as myself? Get rid of the commenting feature altogether on my entries? Post privately only? Abandon this journal and return to my long-neglected paper journal? So much of me is curious. I /care/ what other people think of what I write. Not only for their approval and that warmth of being interesting to others, but also for their own ideas that may have been spawned by what I had to say.

I value the connections that I've made here, but I find that as a definition of friends, this journal is lacking. Don't read what I'm not writing; you are not lacking as friends! I would like to find another way to connect with you. Every way that I have found is flawed. None of you live close to me, so we cannot meet for lunch. Chatrooms and messageboards and email talk have their own problems. For someone who produces stationery, I am pathetic at snail mail.

I am discontent with this system. I am displeased with my own flawed self. I am uncertain of my purpose with this journal.

Comments

[curvature.livejournal.com]

quite a few people I know have a 'public' journal where they write stuff for their friends and get all the comments and stuff, and then they have a 'private' one that people don't know about, that has all private entries. maybe something like that would benefit you?

[yasha-chan.livejournal.com]

I've realized that LJ has become this sort of gigantic... well, clique in some ways. If you just wanted a journal, you could open up notepad and write... but really, what is LJ supposed to be? A journal itself is your private thoughts and feelings... LJ is another sort of community where people supposedly get to see the deeper sides of others. After all, why like or be liked by someone for something you're not, right?

But it's so -hard- to write your private thoughts where others can see! People get so offended by things, by opinions, like you have to be perpetually in good standing with them. Everyone annoys each other sometime or another, right? But it's more than that. LJ is more of a peer group, and everyone, in some way or another, no matter how individual or self sufficient, likes to be accepted. So, a lot of things go unsaid and what's said isn't as valuable on a personal level.

I used to worry about stuff like comments... but you know, I figured that it was stupid to after a while. If I couldn't be content with my words (or my writing or my art in Elfwood), no one was going to GIVE that to me. If my journal is for me, which it is, then I can post whatever I want and what other people say don't matter. Sure, I like talking to people... I like knowing that people -listen- to me, or even sometimes -understand-. I just don't want fake, forced stuff, you know?

When I don't think I can post something publically, I post it privately, or in a friends-only post. It's still a form of cowardace, but well, I don't -like- pissing people off with a thought that's over after I record it, you know?

Ah, I dunno, I'm babbling lots today. I hope something made sense for you!

[songblade.livejournal.com]

::hugs you first:: Ir ead your entries. I may not respond and if you had wanted me to, I'm sorry :( As for entries... well... if I had your phone number, I'd probably call you after 9pm and weekends because that's when my cel phone's free long distance plan kicks in ;) I'd be willing to do that for you.

As for the problem of LJ, I hear ya! I dont' really post my thoughts anymore that's private and if I do, I stick 'em IN private where no one can see 'em. There's nothing to be effectively done for friends who like quizzes unless you massively ask them all to lj-cut their test results (I agree, can get annoying on a friend's view). I would advise with much salt that the entries you want responses with, you enter as is... but those you post for yourself, keep private or have the comments off. This way, you can decide who you are privately, publicly, and semi-publicly :)

::Hughughug::

[delusiongirl.livejournal.com]

You have to wonder that if people are unhappy and offended by what you post - are they your friends?

What I like about livejournal is that it allows me to keep in touch with various people without the need to write lots of emails that I don't have time to write, and thus will not get written. :-P It's a nice touchstone. I can pop over and see your sketches and what you're up to, and I really enjoy that. :-) It is - at least for me - better than chatrooms or messageboards or email, because it has a personal touch.

You are right in that the sense of communication livejournal imparts sort of excludes it from being a true journal. But as you mentioned, there's always the option of removing comments, or making a post utterly private, or restricting it to just the people you don't mind seeing it. You control your privacy, and I appreciate that flexibility.

Personally, I suck at writing journals/diaries and this is the only one that's lasted more than a few weeks. I admit to being seduced by the idea of a nice handwritten journal, done in ink in a lovely bound book with little sketches and drawings and beautiful personal thoughts . . . the kind of heirloom one would find in an attic and pour over . . . but let's face it, I make spelling and grammer mistakes, my cursive is barely legible sometimes, I suffer from rewrite-itis and silly perfectionism . . . not to mention the day-to-day happenings in my life do not make for riveting reading or show any great wisdom. It ain't gonna happen, and if it does, it won't be as pretty as what I imagine. :-P So this may not have the charm, but it seems to work and I'm happy with that.

If removing the comment feature or going to a paper journal would accomplish what you are seeking - do that. Your journal (livejournal or otherwise) should be for you. The rest of us are priviledged to see what you let us see and we have no right to dictate what goes in your journal, even if it offends us. I'd miss your posts, for one (even though I generally am bad at thinking up insightful comments and do not post as much as I'd like), but your journal is yours, so screw the rest of us and do what you want. :-)