Rambly random stuff on confidence and validation

[ellenmillion]

So I'm watching epiloguerant with some amusment, and glancing at fuckelfwood and giving some thought to elitism and hate communities and taking criticism and such.

Now, me, I got nothing against elitism. In many ways, EMG is as elite as they come. I'm waaay worse than those communities. I don't even pretend to be fair or non-influenced. I select work that *I* like and think will sell. I have a preference for the artists I've already got, simply because it's less work for me to add work to an existing artist than deal with a new one. I have rather specific likes and dislikes, and you'd better believe I select work according to them. It's all me, baby. And that's elite, if you like.

I can also see how resentment comes about. I shudder to think about the feelings I've had to hurt, 'cause I like people as a general rule, and I think it's better to nurture and encourage than shoot down. Even if they suck! I sucked once. I still do, at some things. Sucking is part of growing. (And yeah, that sounds realllly bad out of context.)

Which brings me to something I've been slowly gathering proof of. I am bolstered in this theory by the eons of spam: boost your self confidence! Lose weight (or gain specific mass...)!

That is: humans seek self-confidence outside of themselves.

We don't seem to be wired to see things in ourselves unless they are pointed out to us. If we are praised, we feel good about ourselves, if criticized, we feel poorly. There is no difference in our actual performance, or in the balance of what one accomplished in that day compared to ones failures, only in how others reacted to it.

I'm as guilty of this as the next person, too. Today, I'm on top of the world. I got several orders and some sweet messages from artists and enthusiastic responses to my articles, and I feel vindicated and happy. Tomorrow, maybe I'll get a sour flamer, and I'll spend an hour or more moping about. I crave the comments and letters and praises as much as any shallow Hal out there, and no matter what I've done that's good or right that day, a critical comment can take all the wind out of my sails.

Perhaps self-confidence is, by definition, the ability to see ones own worth despite the input of others. Perhaps what we are seeking is not confidence, but validation, and what I'm describing is simply a matter of dependency on that validation. Or perhaps I'm only rambling pointlessly. I suspect the latter.

It also got me thinking about arrogance and my own strange, towering ego, but that's a post for another time.

Comments

[vayenne.livejournal.com]

"Perhaps self-confidence is, by definition, the ability to see ones own worth despite the input of others. Perhaps what we are seeking is not confidence, but validation, and what I'm describing is simply a matter of dependency on that validation."

That's very well-put, and I think has a certain kind of truth to it. I suspect, though, that the problem lies in the fact that we separate the two words. Self-confidence, for most people, requires a level of validation, and validation, in turn, can generate self-confidence within the individual. The difference between people who need those outside sources of validation and people who don't (or need less) isn't the validation itself. It's the strength of their own self-validation.

How's that for twisted-sounding? :P

'Naturally self-confident' people are the ones who can validate themselves. For example, the writer who can acknowledge that he's no Shakespeare, but continues to create and share his work because he loves expressing himself and thereby sees a great value in his art. He doesn't get glowing praise from the masses, but he is confident that his writing is worthwhile because it serves its purpose. He feels better when he throws a thousand words on a page, whether Carl-Bob Smith understands what it means or not.

The people who 'lack self-confidence' are the ones who are especially dependent on that external validation. For whatever reason, they have an internal worth-meter that's set to zero, so unless someone tells them that their art/gymnastics/tai chi/whatever skills are good and worthwhile, they assume they are not. They have no self-validation, and that makes their self-confidence unstable.

In the middle, one finds the majority of people in the world. We're the 'relatively self-confident' people who can internally validate sometimes, or to a certain extent, but use external validation to bolster our own judgements. We think that what we're doing is worthwhile, but we can't be sure until someone else agrees. Heaven help us if that person disagrees. We're the ones who have hopes that get dashed, in that case, whereas the naturals don't care and the lacking never expected anything from the start.

Er... sorry for all that. You got me thinking... >_< It's all just my opinion, anyway. :)

Thanks,
~Vay

[jaenanda.livejournal.com]

Perhaps self-confidence is, by definition, the ability to see ones own worth despite the input of others.

No, I think you're right. That's very astute.

[watergazer.livejournal.com]

Jut wanted to tell you the Gemwing you posted looks awesome and I love the bookmark of it! I'm also going to get the other artwork scanned you had interest in and get them sent out to you very soon, within the next 2 weeks if i get my butt moving. I think you can do more for these images than I have or could do. And BTW: I was never responded to by Elfwood even though I tried to apply at least 3 or 4 times,but I think Elfwood has done wonders to those artists it has accepted. Andas to you being elite...you have to be since it's YOUR business and profits on the line. And having too much art can hurt business too, so you couldn't possibly accept everything people have given you. I rea;;y can't wait to give you my favorite piece: the Pipe Carrier turtle. I'd ordera shirt of that in a second, especially if you like, fuzzed out the edges. Ooooh.

[wingedfantasy.livejournal.com]

I agree what has been said. I can only say that I wish there was a way for those who have low self-esteem to be able to find a way to change that. I for one. I feel down and out if I don't get validation from someone outside of myself. However, I can happily say this is getting better, sloooowly, but surely. :D I try to praise and be happy about my accompolisments without having to go to someone else to make sure that what I feel is an achievement is one. (confuse anyone yet? lol)

[fireborn.livejournal.com]

Actually, that's better than those communities. If it's running as an obviously 'biased' thing, if you reject someone, they can say, "Well, it might not be that I suck, it might just be that I'm not to her taste."

The reason why Epilogue's 'fairness' is so much worse is because they insist they are judging on quality and not personal bias... so if you get rejected, the corollary is that your art must suck.

[songblade.livejournal.com]

I completely hear ya on this one :/ I think it really stems fro how we see ourselves in general, not just work produced and stuff we like... we can't ever see ourselves without a mirror and other folks are mirrors FOR us...

mew *HUG* And I love you :D

[pers1stence.livejournal.com]

I think most psychologically healthy people need a little validation from the outside at least; not necessarily from the masses, but at least from trusted sources, possibly including parents, sig other, close friends, employers, mentors...It's what helps provide a reality check....